Thursday, October 7, 2010


We have been back in the States for just over 3 months now. I almost said we have been "home," but in truth, I'm not sure where "home" is anymore...actually, I do - but it's nowhere on this earth. Re-entry has been very difficult. I have only made it through one worship service (yes, one in 3 months) without crying. I don't know where it comes from or what starts it, but it's usually uncontrollable. The hundreds of people who don't know me at the congregation we have been attending are probably wondering what in the world is wrong with that poor girl that cries every Sunday. Besides that, we still don't feel settled. We are still living with my parents and all of our things are still in storage in Tennessee. The biggest adjustment for us has definitely been work. In China, we worked about 20 hours a week, and Michael and I were together about 20 out of the 24 hours in a day. Now, if you include my 1.5 hour one-way commute, I work an average of 50-60 hours per week. Michael works part-time at The Home Depot, so he usually is scheduled to work evenings and weekends. We are lucky to get to see each other for a couple of hours a day.

When we came back from China, I was so "on fire." I felt so changed. I felt so focused. Now I feel almost nothing but shame. In three months of living in America, I have almost completely (at least on the outside) gone back to the person I was before China. That person worries about money. That person wants a nice, comfortable home to live in, with a nice, new couch in the living room. That person has to have a nice car to drive. That person thinks she can't live without an iphone. That person thinks that 5 or 6 outfits is just not enough.

I thought she was gone - a thing of the past - but now she is back. She is consumed in her job and has forgotten her focus. Too be honest, I didn't like living in China. It was cold and wet, the food was not awesome, etc. etc. etc. But I would gladly trade the nice house, well-paying job, clothes that fit, and the Mexican food to be back in a place in my life where I am consumed with God's presence in my life, rather than work and money.

2 Timothy 2:3-4 says this,

"Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him."

One of my posts during our time in China was of how I was a soldier fighting in a war. Now that soldier is living back among civilians. I have allowed myself to get lost and entangled in civilian pursuits. This week, I WILL pray for God to help me renew my focus and I WILL renew my commitment to please the One who enlisted me.


  1. Thanks for bringing the honest truth back to the blog. I never cease to be amazed at your perception.

  2. You have such a good heart and love for others. So, I have no doubt that you will get your focus back.
    You have allowed yourself time to re-adjust. Now you can "bloom where you are planted".
    Great blog ! ! !

  3. I can honestly say I understand! I'll be praying! and Im always here to listen! Remember that the struggling is SO MUCH better than ignoring it-you may not feel like a soldier that is fighting right now but you are. Its just a different battle this time.
    Love you!
    -Aleshia Sokoloski :)

  4. Thanks. I'm pretty sure I needed this. I love you!